Chapter One

Nothing in your life, will ever fill you with the same amount of dread as approaching your first day of school. Summer always began with excitement and endless days of not having to wake up early, or turning in homework, or eating horrid school lunches or being victimized by kids, who’s entire mission in life seemed to be making yours hell. Then, you would go to the store with your mom, and there it was. The great big sign saying, ‘’BACK TO SCHOOL SALE’’! There were kids smiling on the picture waving their newly purchased school supplies. They were all paid very well to look like they were super stoked to be going ‘’Back to school’’. I don’t know who they were trying to fool. Normal kids didn’t look like this. No one I knew anyway. I never had anything close to a smile on my face. The sales usually began popping up around August and would continue until the fateful day. That’s also when the ball of lead in the pit of my stomach would start growing. By the time I woke the day of, the weight was nearly incapacitating.

It was September, 1985, and I was beginning what my Mom promised would be the best years of my life. High school. I was trying to convince myself she was right, but it was easy for her to say. She and my dad had been popular in high school. She was a cheerleader and my dad was on the basketball team. I’d heard the story more times than I cared to remember, of how they met senior year, at the prom. I couldn’t even imagine getting asked to the prom. Where my mom had been beautiful and self-assured, I was awkward and insecure. She did her best to encourage me but my older sister was almost her twin. So, when I failed to respond to her grooming techniques, she focused everything on Leslie. They both had straight blond hair and looked like they walked out of a Breck commercial. I got my hair from my father’s side. Red, curly and completely unmanageable. On most days, I just kept it pulled back as tightly as I could manage without scalping myself, and left it in a ponytail that ended up looking like a fluffy pom pom sticking out of the back of my head. Add to that, braces and glasses, well, you can imagine. I was also carrying a little more weight than my mother would like. I was constantly being put on whatever diet was a fad at the time. Leslie, on the other hand could eat whatever she wanted and didn’t gain a single pound in return. This might have been why I hated her.

What I lacked in conventional beauty, I made up for in brains. Grades were never a problem with me. Leslie, on the other hand only just escaped being put in remedial classes. But, I think it was all a put on so she could act stupid and attract boys. Which was also her favourite subject, and it was a subject in which she excelled. Guys were constantly hanging around the house. They all saw right through me. I doubt any one of them could have told you my name. Not that I cared all that much. None of them seemed capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation that didn’t have something to do with sports or parties. I hated them and now I was going to be forced into their world. My sister was 14 months older, and a year ahead in school. I was heading for her turf and she wasn’t happy about it one bit. She’d already warned me not to speak to her once we passed through the doors of Melvin Patterson High. I laughed at the notion I would have been disappointed she wasn’t going to usher me into her cool crowd, but still gave her the satisfaction of signing the fake contract she drew up and made me sign. The punishment of breaking said contract would be doing her chores for the remainder of the year, but she gave me an Erasermate pen to sign with, so I wasn’t too worried about her being able to hold me to it.

I was in my room, trying to make my hair as smooth as possible, when I heard my mother yelling from the kitchen to hurry up and come eat my breakfast. I don’t know what she was so excited about. It was just going to be a slice of grape fruit and a piece of burned wheat toast. Dry. No butter or jelly. My outfit was the most stylish thing we could find for my size which wasn’t saying much. Black, baggy, high-water pants, with a baggy, yellow and black striped sweater. My mother’s solution to hiding my extra weight, was wearing oversized clothing. And, she swore black was slenderizing. To me, I looked like a gigantic bumblebee. I decided, if I saw it that way, so would everyone else. I got a sudden flash of kids following me around going ‘’Buzz buzz’’. I made a last minute switch to a green oversized button down blouse my mother said was way too tight around the ‘’bosom’ ’area, of which I was ample the size an average 14 year old should be. She wasn’t wrong. The holes were pulling themselves away from the buttons desperately trying to hold them in place at the apex of my breasts. I figured if I just walked hunched over, it could work. Besides, I didn’t have time to find anything else. My dad had just knocked on my door using his stern voice which would turn to shouting if I ignored him one more time. I had no choice. I was going to have to leave the room.

I put on my coat, hoping I could make it through breakfast without my mom noticing the last minute costume switch I’d just pulled. When I walked in the kitchen, she stopped mid-sentence and glared at me.

‘’Morgan, what have you been doing for so long?’’ she asked, as if I’d been locked in my room for months.

‘’I was just fixing my hair.’’ I answered, as I casually slid into the chair across from where my sister was finishing off her pancakes. My mouth started to water and my chin felt heavy as I watched her slice off a chunk from the stack, before stabbing it, and running it through the left over syrup in the plate. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been allowed pancakes. As I longingly watched Leslie slowly produce the empty fork from her frosted pink lips, my mother gave me what looked like a very thin chocolate shake.

‘’What’s this?’’ I asked, crinkling my nose as I brought it closer to investigate.

‘’That,’’ Mom began to announce brightly, ‘’is your new breakfast.’’

‘’A drink?’’ I cried, as I felt my stomach suddenly start yanking in a panic. What? No actual food? I mean a grapefruit half and burnt toast barely qualified, but at least it gave me something to chew, and the illusion I was eating. But, a weird smelling chocolate drink?

‘’It’s called Slim Fast.’’ She said brightly, producing a can of the mix from the pantry, as if she were playing the part of a mom in a commercial where she was going to have to sell her devastated daughter on the benefits of not being given solid food for a meal. I’d heard of Slim Fast before. A couple of my teachers did it. Friends moms’, all of whom seemed miserable without food. They’d lost a few pounds but it was at the valuable cost of much of their sanity.

‘’Mom, can I please just have toast?’’ I begged. I could feel warm tears collecting and fresh panic rising. I tried my best to control my emotions but the thought of starting high school with this chalky, imitation chocolate sloshing around in my stomach, wasn’t making me feel any better.

‘’Mom, she’s like, totally freaking out.’’ My sister informed, slightly amused watching me come apart over not having a piece of dry toast.

‘’Shut up.’’ I hissed, losing the fight with the tears.

My father, popped his head over the paper, and looked from me to my sister, before ducking back into the recent sports scores.

‘’Barb, you have a situation here.’’ He said, which was her cue to intervene before he had to put down the paper and get himself involved, the outcome of which was never good.

‘’Girls. Enough.’’ My mom sighed, while finishing up the dishes. ‘’Morgan, now there is no need to panic. The doctor recommended this diet for you.’’

‘’What doctor?’’ I asked, to my knowledge I’d seen no doctor.

‘’When we got your shots for school.’’ She replied, matter of factly, as if this is information I should have already known.

‘’I don’t remember him saying anything.’’ I muttered, tears now streaming down my face.

‘’You weren’t in the room, I didn’t want to embarrass you.’’ She always did that, as if saying things in front of my face was in any way less humiliating than her saying it without me, but then telling me later. It still stung knowing my mother was ashamed of me.

‘’Just, drink it, Morgan.’’ My father begged. He just wanted to read the rest of the paper in peace.

‘’No.’’ I said, defiantly, crossing my arms in a huff.

‘’Morgan!’’ my father boomed, slamming his paper on the table. ‘’Drink that right now!’’

I quickly tried to decide how much longer I could sit like this, but the clock was ticking, and my dad was staring me down, my sister looked delighted, and my mother looked exasperated, standing by the kitchen sink, with her hand on her hip. All waiting for me to chugalug this glass full of brown sludge. I wasn’t getting out of this without going hungry or being grounded, or both. I grabbed the glass, sloshed it around, and as fast as I could swallow, drank the whole glass without even stopping for a breath. I slammed the empty glass on the table. I could already feel the liquid gurgling and knocking back and forth on the walls of my empty stomach. My father, went back to reading his paper, Leslie got up to collect her things, and my mother went back to drying the dish she had just finished washing and put it in the cupboard. Show was over. I’d lost the battle, but this war had just begun.

As my sister and I were being rushed out the door, I was given what looked like a plastic measuring cup, with a lid, and a ziplock baggy full of a brown power.

‘’Let me guess, lunch.’’ I asked, sarcastically.

‘’Honey,’’ my mother said sweetly, as she grabbed me gently by my shoulders and looked directly into my eyes. ‘’You can lose up to ten pounds in a week. One week! Think of how fast all that baby fat is finally going to come off and how much happier you’ll be.’’ She gave an encouraging smile, but what I wanted to say, ‘’Don’t you mean, the happier YOU’LL be.’’ I thought better of it and just nodded, grabbed the baggy, and cup, shoved them into my backpack, and headed out the door. A group of my sister’s friends had gathered at the end of the driveway to walk with her to the bus stop. Our contract stipulated, I was to walk behind them, so as to not alert her friends to the fact she’d been hiding a dorky younger sister. Most of them had even met me before, and by met me, I mean they have had sleep overs and they know I exist, but I doubt any of them could tell you my name.

By the time the bus arrived, I was beginning to rethink my decision of wearing the tight blouse. I was having to walk hunched over to keep the buttons from tearing themselves away, and not only was it hurting my back, and making me look ridiculous, but my stomach wasn’t feeling so great either. The chocolate shake and I didn’t agree in more ways than one.  I had been dreading having to ride this giant yellow child-transporter since my parents announced this was an exciting perk of now being in high school and gaining some real ‘’independence’’. That was always the selling point parents gave when they introduced something new and awful into your life. But, if I say, wanted to go to the mall by myself, without my mother hovering over my every move, I was just too young to be trusted. It was an argument impossible to win. In the game of my life, I spin the wheel and go ahead three spaces, but then I draw the ‘’Parent’s permission card’’ and lose a turn.

My sister and her friends nearly jumped up the stairs of the bus; while I held back trying to come up with a valid reason for me not to get on. The kids sounded loud and obnoxious, and as much as I wanted to just get on and grab a seat without being seen, I was suddenly very aware of my lack of invisibility. Being one of the last stops, the bus was already near full capacity. My eyes quickly scanned the windows to see if I could spot one without a head, but there were none. That would mean having to sit with someone else, and I imagined having to squeeze my big ass down the aisle, all eyes watching, hoping I wouldn’t chose their seat to plop down. In my stomach, my liquid breakfast seemed to have form fists and began punching from the inside trying to escape. My sister was lost in her little group and oblivious to the fact I’d apparently turned to stone.

‘’Hey!’’ the bus driver shouted, bringing my attention back to the matter at hand. ‘’Are you getting on?’’ he asked, sounding annoyed. He was an older man and by the look on his face, he didn’t want to be on that bus any more than I did. I could feel the contents of my stomach lunging forward. I silently shook my head, and he shrugged and pulled the door closed. As the bus jerked back into motion, I watched it head in the direction of the school. It was then, either out of relief I had given myself a stay of execution, or the fear of going home and explaining I wasn’t trying to find my homeroom, I felt a low rumble in my belly that would only really mean one thing. Out of instinct, I grabbed hold of my rear hoping that would stop the impending explosion. Of course, this caused the desperately clinging buttons a reason to give up and pop right off, exposing the giant, full support bra my mother and I had spent an entire Saturday trying to find in my size. I pulled my arms back across my chest to cover up and tried to run back toward home before I erupted, but it was too late. As I ran, I could feel the poop filling my underwear, oozing down my legs and into my socks. Luckily, the stop wasn’t too far from home. My dad’s car was still in the driveway. I knew he wouldn’t be impressed but I had little time to ponder the consequences. I swung the front door open, running down the hall toward the bathroom. I passed my shocked mother who blinked when she saw me streak by. Once inside the bathroom, I locked the door, shook off my backpack and started removing my soiled clothing, leaving it in a pile on the floor, while I started the shower running.

‘’Morgan?’’ called my confused mother, as she knocked on the door. ‘’Morgan, what happened?’’ I could hear the knob rattling as she tried in vain to enter the locked door. I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer, I was too busy climbing in the tub to rid myself of the filth. I didn’t even wait for the water to warm, so I yelped at the shock of cold water hitting my backside. I just stood there, and let the water pressure do most of the work. My mother’s confusion turned into concern and she was now banging on the door.

‘’I’ll be out in a minute.’’ I called; trying to sound like everything was normal and I hadn’t just literally shit myself on the first day of school. I could hear mumbling between my mother and father as she was trying to explain what in the world might be going on. I lathered my hands with as much soap and I could, running my hands all over my butt and down my legs, trying to make sure I left no trace behind.

Just as I grabbed the giant beach towel my mother had gotten just for my own personal use, as smaller towels didn’t quite provide enough cover for my larger body, I saw the doorknob jiggle, and then fall to the floor. This allowed my mother instant access, and as she swung the door open, her panicked face met with mine’s humiliation. My father was standing behind her holding a screwdriver.

‘’Morgan, what in the…Oh God!’’ She exclaimed, as soon as she noticed the pile of poop filled clothing on the tile floor. ‘’What did you do?’’

I didn’t say anything, I just stood there shivering. My dad was all the sudden nowhere to be seen. If he thought for a second this was a ‘’womanly issue’’, he wanted no part of it. My mom just stood there, pointing to the pile, her face begging for an explanation.

‘’I had an accident.’’ I managed to whisper.

‘’Well, I can see that, Morgan. Did anyone see you?’’ Of course her first concern was the fallout from her 14 year old daughter crapping her pants in public.

‘’Not that I know of. I ran home.’’ I assured and watched her face morph from terror to relief. My mother loved neighborhood gossip, unless she was the subject, and then she acted insulted as if anyone would dare sully her good name. Once, she baked a cake for a 4^th of July Bar B Que, and it didn’t set properly, and through her friends she was informed it had been the talk of the town, but not in a good way. It was still raw in the middle and might have given the only person who ate it food poisoning. It was about four months before she spoke to any of those ladies again, claiming to be busy every time one of them called, but she was really nursing her wounds of humiliation. My mother did every single thing perfectly. I could rest assured the knowledge of this would not leave the confines of the bathroom.

‘’You get yourself dried off, and a change of clothes, and I’ll dispose of these.’’ She ordered, giving a disgusted look at my discarded clothes. I knew I would never see them again. There was no point in even bothering to wash them. That shit was never coming out, and even if it did, they would always been the pants I crapped myself in and I was in no hurry to wear them.

Once I was finally in my room, I realized I must have been crying this whole time. I looked at myself in the mirror and my eyes looked red and my face streaked with dried tears. I found the bumble bee outfit I’d changed from this morning and decided looking like a bumble bee was preferable to shit stains, and started putting them on. My stomach, which had just betrayed me, now began to politely remind me it was empty. The only thing I’d put in it in the last twelve hours had vacated and I was now having the agonizing twist of hunger pains. I went to my closet and dug around until I located my secret stash. My grandfather, who had a hobby of woodworking, made it for me as a 13^th birthday present. He said I could keep treasures I collected over the years safe. I used it as a place to hide my candy bars. If my mother knew, she would have destroyed the whole box. It had been a while since I had been able to refill, so the only thing I had was a packet of Big League Chew, and some leftover Easter candy. I dug around until I finally found something from at least the last few months. It was a Snickers bar I’d stolen from Leslie. I quickly ripped off the wrapper and devoured it as fast as my mouth could chew. I knew my mom would be checking on me soon. I had to get this down and then hide the evidence. I didn’t have time to savor it like I usually did, but my tummy and head were already starting to feel very grateful. I began to relax a little. Everything would be alright now. I had chocolate, real chocolate, not a powered shake pretending to be chocolate, but the real honest to goodness stuff. I heard my mother calling me as she started walking down the hall. I quickly stuffed the wrapper back in the box and tucked it back in my closet. I ran my tongue around my mouth to make sure there were no signs of peanuts or caramel left behind. I met my mother right outside my room, before she could even knock.

‘’How are we?’’ she asked giving me a look over.

‘’Fine.’’ I lied, as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened.

‘’Well, hurry, your father is running late, but he said he would give you a ride to school.’’ She said putting her arm around me, urging me out of my room.

‘’I still have to go to school?’’ I asked, I’d been hoping this would have spared me. It hadn’t occurred to me they would still make me go.

‘’Yes, young lady. You don’t want to miss the first day.’’

But, I did. More than anything, I wanted to miss the first day. I was struck with the thought I might have another lower body explosion. That would be a great impression for my first day of high school. I could just hear them calling me ‘’Doo doo girl’’ for the next four years.

‘’What if that happens again?’’ I asked, counting on the fact she hadn’t counted on that and once reminded, she would rethink this decision.

‘’It won’t.’’ she promised, ‘’but just in case, maybe you should take a change of clothes.’’

‘’Never mind.’’ I huffed. I was not taking a change of clothes to school, like I was in day care. Just the thought was humiliating.

‘’Suit yourself.’’ She shrugged, closing my bedroom door behind us.

‘’I’ve already missed the first hour.’’ I offered, still trying to plead my case.

‘’I’ve already written you a note. Now, let’s get moving. Your father is not happy.’’

I found my father waiting for me in the car, noticeably irritated. I got into the already running car, accepting my fate. My mother stood at the door, smiling and waving as we backed out of the driveway.

‘’I’m sorry, Dad.’’ I said quietly, hoping to ease some of the tension.

‘’No reason for sorry, Morgan.’’ He replied, keeping his eyes on the road. ‘’These things happen.’’

‘’I guess.’’ I sighed, looking out the window as my neighborhood disappeared.

‘’Important thing, don’t let it ruin the rest of your day.’’ He added, grabbing my knee and giving a reassuring squeeze. 

‘’You’re gonna be fine, Morgan. Don’t make things harder on yourself than they should be.’’

I nodded, not really knowing what he meant, but I really didn’t need an explanation at that moment. I could see the school as we got closer. It would be almost the end of second period I’d assumed. I took a deep breath, and slowly left the safety of my father’s car. There was nothing to stop me from going through those doors. I was handed my backpack and the note my mother wrote, and told to try and have a good day.

Easy for him to say, I thought to myself. As for me, I still had to try and ride the bus home.